Love Each Other

I was pleasantly surprised when my daughter texted me Sunday morning and asked if I'd like to go shopping with her. She said Victoria's Secret was having a sale and she needed a few items and thought I might too. Having no other plans for the day except for laundry and vacuuming, I quickly replied yes. I was cooking bulk breakfast for the week; 2 years ago I would have been drinking wine while cooking, but thankfully not this morning!

This day had so many awesome moments. First, my daughter initiated the outing. Normally it's me asking her if she'd like to go out to lunch, etc. The simple fact that she asked me to do something is huge in my recovery process! My relationship with her is the relationship that I damaged the most during active addiction. The damage I caused has played a large role in my depression for the past 2 years. But I want to stress.. it's not her fault! I'm the one that took on the guilt and shame from the damage I caused.

We had a great lunch with holding hands to say grace and constant communication. Then on to shopping. We probably spent an hour or more in VS. Two years ago I would not have been able to do this. My anxiety would have made me desperate to leave; shopping has always triggered my anxiety. But thankfully, my medication and mindfulness techniques kept my anxiety down to only outwardly visible symptoms (shaky hands).

multi colored nails and new gratitude journal

After VS, we went to Ulta, Old Navy, and Barnes & Noble. We probably spent an hour in Ulta, trying out at least half of their tester products. I became her nail polish and perfume test model. She was looking for a specific nail polish and couldn't remember the name/exact color. So she pulled out four and tested them on my fingernails. She alternated spraying tester perfumes on her and me. By the time we left we smelled heavenly from the combination of scents and I had four differently painted nails :)

I haven't been to a book store in years. We used to go to Borders almost every Sunday after church/lunch, but then they closed at that location :(. Now I read via Kindle on iPhone and iPad. But entering Barnes & Noble with my daughter, I was transported back in time. Oh how rich the smell of books and coffee can transform and bring back sweet memories. We used to spend hours in the children's section; reading books and selecting ones to buy for later reading. And no wonder why I felt so much at home again; I tried to look up Borders to include a link and Barnes & Noble popped up instead.

I saw so many books on display that I've either read or want to read. One especially caught my eye; A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. I told my daughter that this was a great book. (She hates reading so I doubt she'll try it.) I read it 10 months ago and if I kept a top 10 all-time favorite book list, it would be on it. But what I noticed was how thick the actual book is. If I had seen it in the bookstore before I read it, I probably wouldn't have bought it based on number of pages, unless someone had strongly recommended it to me. But I had somehow stumbled across it from either Amazon Kindle deals or Good Read recommendations. I didn't notice/focus on the number of pages. I totally became absorbed into it.

My tranquil art desk

But my purpose now is not to write a book review but to reflect on how great it was to browse through the book store with my daughter. She picked up a gratitude prayer and praise coloring journal and said it looked like something I would like. Sooooo true! I had to buy it and began an entry/coloring later that night. This morning a news article caught my eye: This Artist Absolutely Nailed It With His Comics About Anxiety. It starts out talking about drawing or writing to heal anxiety symptoms. I don't have drawing skills but I use coloring, writing and mindful meditation as an anxiety escape.

In closing.. I am grateful that my daughter asked me to go shopping with her. I am also grateful that through medication and coping skills I was able to enjoy hours of shopping with her (2+ years ago I would not have been able to do this). I am grateful for the gratitude prayer and praise coloring journal that my daughter pointed out. I am grateful for the time we spent together. I am truly blessed.

Recover Out Loud

Thursday, I attended the lunch and learn session of the Georgia Addiction Recovery Awareness Day activities with friends from Navigate Recovery Gwinnett and hundreds of others. It was awesome to hear views and good news from state legislators, a Gwinnett County judge and advocacy group members that spoke. The key points were about positive messaging, eliminating the stigma+shame, and reaching out.

One of the speakers suggested to reach out to five people: friends, community, local officials, state legislators, and federal legislators. Because there are so may people in active addiction or who have a loved one in active addiction, simply recovering out loud may draw someone to you seeking help. The emphasis was on not necessarily sharing about the ugliness that happened during active addiction, or the support groups that you are involved in, but on sharing the positiveness of life in recovery. Sharing the hope that recovery is possible.

So I proudly wore the free button/pin given out and later attached it to my backpack that I take to work. And I posted on Facebook that I was present for the event. And guess what? Within an hour or so of posting on Facebook an acquaintance sent me a private message asking for advice on how to help a loved one struggling with sobriety. I am grateful that I could take time off from work to attend this event, which helped me drop the guilt and shame in order to be of service to others.

Recovery definitely doesn't suck!

15 minutes

Work in progress

My last post alluded to creativity as the topic for this post. I've now learned my lesson about forecasting where my mind will take me with this blog. Although my mind is in a different direction, I drafted a post about creativity to stick with what I outwardly committed to. However I am waiting on a photo from a relative to complete that post, so stay tuned..

So.. This post is going to be about where my mind took me today.. 15-minute increments.

Over the past year plus, the phrase "one day/step at a time" has been my mantra for recovery. Early on in my recovery it was one-minute/literal step at a time. And sometimes still that is the case. Now I generally focus on 15-minute segments, thanks to Fly Lady who advocates 15 minute segments for cleaning/decluttering.

Now onto today's topic of 15 minute increments. One of my hangovers from active addiction is looking at mail. Prior to addiction I processed mail weekly. During active addiction and early recovery I simply let it stack up for months/years; the most important bills came via email or direct withdrawal from my bank account. I routinely set aside mail to my daughter, but the rest got placed in a pile. Yesterday I started processing it. Tonight I devoted 15 minutes to mail processing. This bin was full to the top and 15 minutes later this is what is left of this stack. The majority was junk mail quickly recycled with contents shredded.

I removed the important mail from envelopes and placed it in my priority pile. There is still a larger pile than pictured to go through, but this gives me hope that with 15-minutes per day I can work my way through years of accumulated clutter. It took more than a day to pile up; it will take more than a day to declutter. But honestly it took seconds to minutes to stack stuff, so 15 minutes per day should result in a clutter-free home by the end of the year :)

Be patient and kind

"TWINS!", my teenage daughter squealed with a huge grin as we opened gifts to each other on Christmas. My main gift to her was a Fitbit Charge 2 in lavender/gold. Her main gift to me was a Fitbit Alta with black straps plus interchangeable dark purple straps (black, purple and blue are my favorite colors). She quickly set up her account and sent me a challenge for the Fitbit "Workweek Hustle". Game on!

I was overwhelmed that she had purchased such an expensive gift for me! I was giddy with excitement and felt like a kid again as I spent hours learning about the different features of my new toy. In addition to our work week step challenge I also began an individual adventure on Fitbit of the Yosemite Vernal Falls trail. This is soooo cool and motivational!

Now onto one of several aspects of how this ties into recovery.. 

[Background: My psychologist's current diagnosis for me is: Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety (DSM-IV-309.24), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (DSM-IV-300.02) and Alcohol Abuse-In Remission (DSM-IV-300.5).]

Shortly after my daughter arrived on Christmas, our dominate dog (boxer-mix puppy) barged in and I had to separate him again from our elderly dog. Trying to separate them skyrocketed my anxiety to semi-panic attack for the second time that day. I exhibited all of the panic attack symptoms except hyperventilation. I am guessing that my daily anti-anxiety medication was what kept it from becoming a need to seek additional medical attention.

I was still breathing heavily and shaking with anxiety as we started opening gifts to each other. My amazing daughter was so beautiful, patient, kind and calm. Her relaxed energy helped me to eventually settle. I was shaking so badly from the panic attack that I struggled with changing the straps and fastening her gift onto my wrist. I am grateful for her patient, kind and calm offering of help to change the straps and fasten it on my wrist while I simultaneously inwardly focused on trying to breathe slowly and mindfully. 

My next post will be regarding how creativity plays a role in my recovery process, as hinted from the picture posted here. Happy Holidays!

Daily Practices Goal Tracking

The slowness of my computer tonight is frustrating. In the past I would have been drinking a glass of wine and would have complete patience. But tonight I am sober and using some of the tools that I've learned in recovery to keep from going to the store for wine while I wait for it to upload photos from my iPhone.

Breathe mindfully.. Go make a cup of chamomile tea.. Eat dinner while I wait.. Success!

A few weeks ago I read a blog post titled 10 Daily Practices for Successful Addiction Recovery. It brought back memories of some of the things I learned while in treatment. Item #6 in the blog is making lists and creating a daily schedule each night.

I decided to try using an app for goal setting/tracking. For the past few weeks I've been using an app called Strides. The free version allows me to track up to ten items. For each item, I set the reminder option for a specific time each day. For example, the app sends me a notification/reminder to "Make Bed" at 7 a.m. and "Gratitude List" at 9 p.m. The app also shows current streak, best streak and percent of time the goal was completed.

There are many benefits out of the simple habit of making my bed each morning. Within minutes of getting out of bed, I have completed something on my To Do list! Once it's made, I'm not tempted to climb back in. I am happier when I'm in tidy environments.

The app just reminded me that it's time to complete my gratitude list for today. Which means that it is time to end this blog post. Take care!

Addiction: From Running to Embracing

Once upon a time, I proudly told friends and family that I was addicted to running. How else could I explain sticking to regimented training schedules and running marathons that involved mountains and freezing weather? Plus, there was no stigma attached to "running addiction".

Years later, after taking a break from marathon training, I denied that I had a different addiction. My addiction had shifted from running to alcohol to relieve stress. I was in total denial until the consequences started happening.

When it became blatantly obvious to me, I was too petrified to admit that I had an addiction to anyone outside of my immediate family, a few close friends, 12-step group, lawyer, psychiatrist and psychologist. As a child of an alcoholic, I knew too well the "stigma" associated.

Now I am ready to just be me; and be honest about it. "Rigorous honesty" and anonymity is prescribed by at least one 12-step program. The part I've struggled with is how can I be rigorously honest and anonymous at the same time? And how can I help anyone outside of that program if I remain anonymous?

The answer is still muddy, but I now know what path to take. I have experience with 12-step groups (AA and Celebrate Recovery), SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, rehab/treatment, psychiatrists, psychologists, recovery books and blogs and podcasts and articles. I do volunteer work with/for Navigate Recovery. I love my 25+ year career/job as a civil servant; but now is the time for me to give back even more. I plan to take courses to become a certified Recovery Coach and/or Addiction Counselor. I am grateful for this inspiration and experience to help others who struggle in the future!

Much love!

Cat out of the box?

When I started this blog, I wasn't sure what direction to take with it. Should it be a diary? Should I post weekly? Should I be anonymous? How much should I disclose? What are my motives? Should I remove the cat from the box?

I'm slowly piecing it together and I'm still not 100% sure, nor will I ever be. But at least for this moment, I'm thinking that I'll use this as a tool to (1) keep track of resources that I've heard about from recovery podcasts so I can recycle the paper scraps that I jot them down on; (2) share information I've learned with the intent of helping at least one other person; and (3) have a recovery-related task for Sundays.

What did my recovery look like this week? In one session of treatment we discussed a wellness wheel. I took the original and modified it to better suit me. I created a spreadsheet to jot down accomplishments and ways to improve. In therapy, my pie graph was extremely un-even. It's still not perfectly evenly sliced, but at least now the spiritual slice exists and the occupational piece has shrunk to a healthier size.

Good Things this week: I arrived at work on time or early 4 out of 5 days and actually talked to a few women about life and not just work topics [pie graph slices: occupational, environmental, social]. I sent my child-support payment to my ex-husband in a Thank You card [helping others, mental health, gratitude]. I went to 12-step recovery meetings each day except for Wednesday and today, and openly shared [social, spiritual, helping others]. I went to a coffee shop and listened to a solo guitarist one evening while practicing being in the moment and enjoying the lovely weather [health, spirituality]. I gave a large tip to one of my Lyft drivers that shared with me about the volunteer work she planned to do that night [helping others]. I walked every day either at lunch or on my way to/from 12-step meetings [environmental, health, financial]. I listened to several podcasts [intellectual], prayed and meditated [spiritual, health], did service work [social, health, helping others] and started reading The Bitter Taste of Dying: A Memoir by Jason Smith [intellectual]. I spent most of today creating this blog post and several nights this week I've colored inspirational coloring pages while listening to podcasts [creative]. I tried a new food: FlapJacked protein pancakes are so tasty that syrup isn't needed [health, creative]!

Spirituality highlight: This week I've focused on mindfulness and letting go of guilt and shame. It's an on-going process. Ezekiel 18:31 "Cast away from you all your transgressions.. make you a new heart and a new spirit.."

Wishing you peace and health!