Be patient and kind

"TWINS!", my teenage daughter squealed with a huge grin as we opened gifts to each other on Christmas. My main gift to her was a Fitbit Charge 2 in lavender/gold. Her main gift to me was a Fitbit Alta with black straps plus interchangeable dark purple straps (black, purple and blue are my favorite colors). She quickly set up her account and sent me a challenge for the Fitbit "Workweek Hustle". Game on!

I was overwhelmed that she had purchased such an expensive gift for me! I was giddy with excitement and felt like a kid again as I spent hours learning about the different features of my new toy. In addition to our work week step challenge I also began an individual adventure on Fitbit of the Yosemite Vernal Falls trail. This is soooo cool and motivational!

Now onto one of several aspects of how this ties into recovery.. 

[Background: My psychologist's current diagnosis for me is: Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety (DSM-IV-309.24), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (DSM-IV-300.02) and Alcohol Abuse-In Remission (DSM-IV-300.5).]

Shortly after my daughter arrived on Christmas, our dominate dog (boxer-mix puppy) barged in and I had to separate him again from our elderly dog. Trying to separate them skyrocketed my anxiety to semi-panic attack for the second time that day. I exhibited all of the panic attack symptoms except hyperventilation. I am guessing that my daily anti-anxiety medication was what kept it from becoming a need to seek additional medical attention.

I was still breathing heavily and shaking with anxiety as we started opening gifts to each other. My amazing daughter was so beautiful, patient, kind and calm. Her relaxed energy helped me to eventually settle. I was shaking so badly from the panic attack that I struggled with changing the straps and fastening her gift onto my wrist. I am grateful for her patient, kind and calm offering of help to change the straps and fasten it on my wrist while I simultaneously inwardly focused on trying to breathe slowly and mindfully. 

My next post will be regarding how creativity plays a role in my recovery process, as hinted from the picture posted here. Happy Holidays!

Daily Practices Goal Tracking

The slowness of my computer tonight is frustrating. In the past I would have been drinking a glass of wine and would have complete patience. But tonight I am sober and using some of the tools that I've learned in recovery to keep from going to the store for wine while I wait for it to upload photos from my iPhone.

Breathe mindfully.. Go make a cup of chamomile tea.. Eat dinner while I wait.. Success!

A few weeks ago I read a blog post titled 10 Daily Practices for Successful Addiction Recovery. It brought back memories of some of the things I learned while in treatment. Item #6 in the blog is making lists and creating a daily schedule each night.

I decided to try using an app for goal setting/tracking. For the past few weeks I've been using an app called Strides. The free version allows me to track up to ten items. For each item, I set the reminder option for a specific time each day. For example, the app sends me a notification/reminder to "Make Bed" at 7 a.m. and "Gratitude List" at 9 p.m. The app also shows current streak, best streak and percent of time the goal was completed.

There are many benefits out of the simple habit of making my bed each morning. Within minutes of getting out of bed, I have completed something on my To Do list! Once it's made, I'm not tempted to climb back in. I am happier when I'm in tidy environments.

The app just reminded me that it's time to complete my gratitude list for today. Which means that it is time to end this blog post. Take care!

Addiction: From Running to Embracing

Once upon a time, I proudly told friends and family that I was addicted to running. How else could I explain sticking to regimented training schedules and running marathons that involved mountains and freezing weather? Plus, there was no stigma attached to "running addiction".

Years later, after taking a break from marathon training, I denied that I had a different addiction. My addiction had shifted from running to alcohol to relieve stress. I was in total denial until the consequences started happening.

When it became blatantly obvious to me, I was too petrified to admit that I had an addiction to anyone outside of my immediate family, a few close friends, 12-step group, lawyer, psychiatrist and psychologist. As a child of an alcoholic, I knew too well the "stigma" associated.

Now I am ready to just be me; and be honest about it. "Rigorous honesty" and anonymity is prescribed by at least one 12-step program. The part I've struggled with is how can I be rigorously honest and anonymous at the same time? And how can I help anyone outside of that program if I remain anonymous?

The answer is still muddy, but I now know what path to take. I have experience with 12-step groups (AA and Celebrate Recovery), SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, rehab/treatment, psychiatrists, psychologists, recovery books and blogs and podcasts and articles. I do volunteer work with/for Navigate Recovery. I love my 25+ year career/job as a civil servant; but now is the time for me to give back even more. I plan to take courses to become a certified Recovery Coach and/or Addiction Counselor. I am grateful for this inspiration and experience to help others who struggle in the future!

Much love!

Cat out of the box?

When I started this blog, I wasn't sure what direction to take with it. Should it be a diary? Should I post weekly? Should I be anonymous? How much should I disclose? What are my motives? Should I remove the cat from the box?

I'm slowly piecing it together and I'm still not 100% sure, nor will I ever be. But at least for this moment, I'm thinking that I'll use this as a tool to (1) keep track of resources that I've heard about from recovery podcasts so I can recycle the paper scraps that I jot them down on; (2) share information I've learned with the intent of helping at least one other person; and (3) have a recovery-related task for Sundays.

What did my recovery look like this week? In one session of treatment we discussed a wellness wheel. I took the original and modified it to better suit me. I created a spreadsheet to jot down accomplishments and ways to improve. In therapy, my pie graph was extremely un-even. It's still not perfectly evenly sliced, but at least now the spiritual slice exists and the occupational piece has shrunk to a healthier size.

Good Things this week: I arrived at work on time or early 4 out of 5 days and actually talked to a few women about life and not just work topics [pie graph slices: occupational, environmental, social]. I sent my child-support payment to my ex-husband in a Thank You card [helping others, mental health, gratitude]. I went to 12-step recovery meetings each day except for Wednesday and today, and openly shared [social, spiritual, helping others]. I went to a coffee shop and listened to a solo guitarist one evening while practicing being in the moment and enjoying the lovely weather [health, spirituality]. I gave a large tip to one of my Lyft drivers that shared with me about the volunteer work she planned to do that night [helping others]. I walked every day either at lunch or on my way to/from 12-step meetings [environmental, health, financial]. I listened to several podcasts [intellectual], prayed and meditated [spiritual, health], did service work [social, health, helping others] and started reading The Bitter Taste of Dying: A Memoir by Jason Smith [intellectual]. I spent most of today creating this blog post and several nights this week I've colored inspirational coloring pages while listening to podcasts [creative]. I tried a new food: FlapJacked protein pancakes are so tasty that syrup isn't needed [health, creative]!

Spirituality highlight: This week I've focused on mindfulness and letting go of guilt and shame. It's an on-going process. Ezekiel 18:31 "Cast away from you all your transgressions.. make you a new heart and a new spirit.."

Wishing you peace and health!

Why?

A little over 2 years ago, I started wondering if I was becoming an alcoholic. I had transitioned from weekend binges to daily drinking. I had switched from running to train for marathons (a healthy choice) to marathon drinking for a quick anxiety fix. I drank more and more to relieve the ever increasing stress in my life. When negative consequences began occurring, I started the search for help. I read dozens of books and articles on the subject of addiction, tried a few self-help groups, started listening to recovery podcasts, saw an addiction counselor, participated in a weekly group therapy session, etc. I had periods of sobriety, relapse, and then try a different recovery approach. 

And then, a little over 6 months ago, I finally hit my rock bottom. I fell asleep while driving and woke up as my car was rolling over. Dangling upside down with my seatbelt securing me from falling, I stared at the rock asphalt road beneath me and had a spiritual awakening. This truly was my rock bottom; I saw it literally and figuratively. I was blessed to be still alive and not injure anyone else. I prayed almost non-stop for days. Two weeks later I entered a partial hospitalization treatment program with the dual diagnosis of alcoholism and depression + anxiety. It involved a month of group therapy and educational classes, living in an apartment with other women of the program, anti-anxiety medication and attending nightly AA, CA or NA meetings. Although I missed my family and pets, I knew that I needed to be there and I soaked up every bit of information offered. I was both excited and scared about returning home at the end of October 2015. Could I keep implementing all that I learned without structured supervision? I had to.

Six and a half months later, I've gained 30 pounds in addition to a stronger faith and a network of sober women. I have an AA sponsor, have made amends (9th step) to the most important people in my life and I'm regularly taking anti-anxiety medication that helps take the edge off the stress-meter. Now its time to kick recovery up a notch and improve my eating and exercise routines.

Since I haven't replaced my car yet, my daughter suggested that I get a beach cruiser type bike with a basket that I could use to ride to the grocery store, library, gym, etc. Because the basket is small, it would mean I'll have to plan my shopping trips more closely and make more frequent trips to the store than I have been. And more trips to the store on a bike to get fresh produce will improve my health too.

I've been thinking about starting a recovery blog for six months now, but didn't want to jinx it by starting it immediately into recovery. Now I feel like I have a base of recovery laid and its time for me to start sharing in the hope that it will help at least one other person out there that is struggling with addiction. Never give up!